FASHION FRIDAY: Cony Lorm Fabian Com

Today I am wearing the most ridiculous sweater, which I got at a clothing sale full of stuff straight from Thailand.

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Why this face? I don’t have any others.

As you can see, my sweater is gray and a little bit too small for me. It’s also covered in zebras (some are colored, a la Yipes, the famous zebra of Fruit Stripe gum fame).

Some of the zebras are saying something. It happens to be,

“Cony Lorm Fabian Com.”

This, dear friends, is the reason I bought the sweater. It makes no sense, and I love it unconditionally. So, in search of similarly lovable, nonsensical clothing items, I scoured the entrails of Etsy to bring you…

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

Grammatically Incorrect Surprisingly Coordinated Fashion Friday!

Actually, I couldn’t find any clothing on Etsy that was grammar-related. And I’ve already done a zebra-themed post. So instead, here are some other things I like, in the random tradition of “Cony lorm fabian com.”

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Second grade-style. Look at that chunky heel.

How bout these lemon-and-stone sandals from seller AKIDILAV? I’m kind of a huge fan. They remind me of second grade, but in a way that says, “I am a dedicated second-grade receptionist. How many I direct your call?”

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YOU GUYS. THESE LOOK LIKE SO MUCH FUN.

You could pair those sandals with these tassel earrings from seller EPUU (I don’t know what is up with these all-caps seller names). There’s a bicycle handlebars joke in there somewhere, but I could never say anything sarcastic about these earrings, so let’s move on.

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Cherry blossoms! You know, because Japan.

Next, throw on this “tunic kimono blouse”e from seller wanderlustclothingHQ, which channels geisha style without going into the misogyny-and-lead-makeup-behind-the-scenes bummer deal. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, learn yoself.

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Sleek. And large. Which is, coincidentally, how my friends describe me.

Finally, this is the bag you shall carry to complete your ensemble. Seller Laroll clearly knows what’s up, because this bag comes in assortment of sizes–from “I’m a regular human being” to “Vastly pregnant and carrying my laptop, next week’s groceries, and all of my household pets too”.

Voila: Cony lorm fabian com! Seize the weekend!

FASHION FRIDAY: Peachy Keen

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

Hey y’all! It’s been a while since I wrote Fashion Friday. Mea culpa. I’ve been exploring the realm of other topics–any and all other topics.

But today, everyone’s favorite rude Etsy round-up is back…and juicy.

Peach Bow
Let people know you’re a dimwit before you turn around!

We’ll start off simply with this little peach bow from seller myjustpeachyshop (wonder how they came up in search? Hmm). This seller offers a lot of hair bows, all of which are perfect for adding a darling dash of “I don’t know what I’m doing” to your boring workday outfits. Where are those reports? I don’t know; I have a bow in my hair. Who left pudding in the office sink? Wasn’t me! Look, I’m wearing a bow.

Peach Aragonite Necklace
This thing is struggling to break free and kill us all.

Then it gets a little more complicated. This “peach aragonite gold” necklace from seller friedasophie looks like it has developed a life of its own. It will probably cut your throat while you’re wearing it, and I mean really cut it. But it’s so pretty, why not take a chance?

Peach Flats
Dance party! JK, you can’t afford these.

You knew some ballet flats had to make their way in here, and here they are. Seller thewhiteribbon knew exactly what I was coveting, and now I have to resist these suede-to-order shoes. Look how soft they are–like the outside of a peach, or a baby’s face right after it cries.

Peach Sundress
Bridal bitchface.

Last but not least, check out this serious chiffon sundress from seller LYDRESS. You may need to hire someone to stand behind you and hold it off the ground–and also to shield your modesty from curious onlookers, because this dress looks sheer as hell. Anything for fashion.

Are you gearing up for summer with some juicy gear? Let me know.

FASHION FRIDAY: Navy + Black Leather

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

 

Happy Fashion Friday! Today we’re back to color combinations, because according to my eyes, too many of you are woefully ill-advised when it comes to which color goes with which.

Voila: navy blue + black leather. Simple, timeless, and really hard to mess up even if you have detached retinas.

Navy Blue + Black Clutch
Made from 50% blue cow.

Let’s begin with this clutch from seller JillyDesigns. Though I tend to stay away from strapless bags that demand you hold them like a small pet or underweight baby, I’d make an exception for this beauty. Notice how the blue complements the black. If you’re colorblind, send someone the link so they can notice for you.

Silk Panel Party Dress
Sass not included.

Next, I couldn’t resist this silk-paneled party dress from Australian seller ReverieAgain–despite knowing that no matter how dark the fabric color, I will always, always, sweat through silk. It’s like silk knows I am not classy enough to wear it, and turns my body against me.

Blue Resin Ring
Perfect for cocktail parties and breaking faces!

I’m slightly obsessed with this resin ring from seller metalsgirl. There are probably a few other things I would buy with my lottery winnings before dropping $110 on a ring, but you know, a girl can dream. And I definitely saw this ring in my dreams last night.

Leather Statement Necklace
Paint two black dots on your collarbone to complete the smiley face.

If that giant ring isn’t enough of a statement, try on this dominatrix-esque leather necklace from seller SartoJ. You don’t really need any other jewelry with this thing–and if you happen to get hungry, it’s right there to chew on.

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FASHION FRIDAY: Executive Editor

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

Well hello there!

In honor of the insane amount of work coming my way in recent weeks (notice how you haven’t heard from me?), I’m thinking it’s time for another editor-inspired style post. Here’s what I’m enjoying on Etsy:

Gray Pencil Skirt
You’re fired.

Obviously, the first thing you need is a basic gray wool pencil skirt. I like this one from seller garylindesign. You can tell it’s appropriate for an editor, because “Mother’s Day” is in the title. Even your mom would approve.

Sheer Button Down
NOT a standalone item, just like leggings are still not pants.

Pair your new skirt with a practical–but still pretty–button-down. Try a sheer one, like this one from seller Lootvila, with a camisole underneath. Do you need the camisole? Yes. Why? Because if I can see your bra through your shirt, you are not gaining my confidence.

Coral Cutout Heels
Dwarf your competition.

As an editor, you should tower above everyone else. You’ll need a comfortable pair of heels for this. To show that you are superior, but not inaccessible, try heels in a fun color, like this playful pair from seller KaneliShop.

Geometric Cuff
This was 3D-printed! WHAT.

The final touch is a piece of statement jewelry. Notice how I said “a piece,” not “every single piece you own”. Less is more when it comes to writing–and the same goes for jewelry. Besides, when you slip on something like this amazing 3D-printed cuff from seller ArchetypeZ, no one will be looking at your earrings.

BONUS: Need to go to a fancy event, but still maintain your ice-queen professionality? Check out this gorgeous black wool gown from seller UnsungProductions.

I’ll happily accept gifts of any of the above items (shoe size is 8.5, and as for the rest…well, I’ll tell you in private).

FASHION FRIDAY: Spring Sparkles

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

Good morning, you sexy fiends.

Okay, so it’s not morning–I got a bit of a late start. No matter. I went to the gym today (who am I?) and am chock-full of energy to bring you EVERYTHING that sparkles on Etsy.

And by that, I mean four of the best sparkly things, because I don’t have all day. Let’s do this:

Green Amethyst Ring
Like a bug’s eye, but less gross and horrible.

Since it’s February, we should start with the February birthstone. But that’s amethyst, and I hate purple. So instead, check out this green amethyst ring from seller DaniqueJewelry! Did you know green amethyst was a thing? I’m skeptical.

Labradorite Earrings
*Not made from real Labradors.

Oh my god, look at these labradorite earrings from seller Ringsland. They are so sparkly, it’s like the night sky being crammed into your earlobes! Who needs astronomy? I’ve got jewelry.

Giant Gem Necklace
My preshusssss.

I wasn’t messing around when I said I would find all of the sparkles on Etsy. Fully half of them are contained in this ludicrously gigantic rhinestone necklace from seller stellacreations. It might break your neck when you put it on. But look on the bright side (get it?)–at least it’s not a choking hazard.

Instead of finishing this post with a bracelet, I think it’s time for a watch. I hope you are appreciating these jokes.

Steampunk Plugs
Gears for ears.

Actually, upon further review, I haven’t found a sparkly watch on Etsy that is up to par for this post. Maybe the problem is that I don’t like sparkly watches. So instead, I give you these kickass, steampunk ear gauges from seller Jamlincrow. I don’t have double-zero gauges, but maybe someday when I’m done being all politically correct and having normal-sized earlobes, I’ll give it a try.

Are your retinas appropriately seared? Have you bought me those labradorite earrings yet? Please answer “yes” to both.

FASHION FRIDAY: Pink + Gold Geometry

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

I’m digging simple color combinations, stark lines, and symmetrical shapes today. With that in mind, check out some standout Etsy picks that play with geometry!

Remember: the more angular your clothes and jewelry, the less lumpy and deformed your face looks.

Glacier Scarf
Pants: check. Shoes: check. Shirt: ah, shit.

Kick things off with this massive pink and black scarf from seller royalcaballito, who hails from Spain, where it is acceptable to wear a scarf instead of a shirt. Summer or winter? I can’t tell, but whatever the temperature, chances are it will be nippy.

Rose Gold Geo Earrings
Tiny, delicious, non-edible choking hazards.

Pair that scarf/shirt/best-of-the-breast adventure with these rose gold-painted earrings by seller PerfectlyCloudy. I’m a huge fan of earrings that go from day to night with no fuss, and metallics are a good bet. Plus, they’ll show up on the X-ray when your baby swallows them.

Geo Crop Mini Set
This model is not a morning person.

I would look like a five-year-old in this matching geometric set from seller Stylecamp, but I want it anyway. Especially if it is supposed to be worn with a scowl, as pictured. I totally own one already.

Pink and Gold Earrings
It’s like you’re a ranking officer, only cuter and with less camouflage.

How ’bout these pink-and-gold chevron earrings from seller miscii? They’re wooden and handpainted, so they will perfectly accompany any color of spray-painted refrigerator box or tattered thrift-store sweater.

Today’s Fashion Friday feels particularly vicious. Or maybe it’s just all those sharp edges. Happy shopping!

FASHION FRIDAY: Animal Style

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

No, we’re not talking about In-N-Out Burger. We’re talking about the plethora of animal-themed Etsy items, and how I want ALL OF THEM.

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Send your clingy girlfriend a message.

Case in point: this amazeballs sloth ring from seller CuriousBurrow. Would I wear it? Well, I really don’t know. Would I cherish its little sloth face until it disintegrated? Categorically yes.

Catalope Leggings
Walk away AND freak people out. #winning

Same goes for these absurd “Wild Catalope” leggings from seller barkdecor. I grew up believing in jackalopes, so I would have no problem busting these out and convincing the less-mentally-endowed and oxygen-deprived-at-birth that catalopes are real.

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Baby animals, grown-up style.

Also digging this woodland animals dress from seller ShugaRose. I spy deer, owls, and maybe a fox or two in there. And since it’s black and white, it goes with literally anything…including everything from this post. You’re welcome.

Lion Skull Necklace
Don’t leave this lion around.

Last in this post but decidedly first in my heart, this lion skull necklace from seller LostApostle is fucking #FIERCE. Not only is it like you’re channeling your inner ferociousness, it’s like you killed that ferociousness, ate it, and then hung it from your neck. DONE. Show me pictures of your own awesome animal style!

FASHION FRIDAY: How to Waste Your Etsy Gift Card

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

Oh, Friday after Christmas. Why must you be so depressing?

The only bright spot in the bleak despair of knowing that Christmas is once again 363 days away is spending your Etsy gift cards. Naturally, we all received these for Christmas.

Bullet earrings
Ear shot.

The first item I recommend spending your hard-earned Etsy cash on: these bullet-casing earrings from seller BallisticRounds. When people say, “What did you get for Christmas?” you can just thumb your earlobes meaningfully, give them a long, hard stare, and growl, “Don’t ask questions.”

Geometric Wallets
Better together.

I’m also a big fan of these two-tone wallets from seller fixfly. Not only will they hold your cards better than a regular wallet, they also have a space for your iPhone, so they’ll be perfect for when I actually get an iPhone.

Boot Socks
Knitted slippers, my foot! Wait…

If you were given a heftier gift card, blow it all on these ridiculously expensive socks/”knitted slippers” from seller ThreeBirdNest. Yeah, they look really comfortable. They’re also $50. Maybe they’re knitted from angel snot.

Cat Dress
Me-owza.

I can’t decide if I really, really need this dress from seller SuiteChic, or if it’s patently ridiculous . You decide. I will just be staring at the picture in the meantime, wondering what happens when you actually move in this dress.

FASHION FRIDAY: Winter Wonderland

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday More like wishful wonderland–there’s no snow in New Orleans, and there’s likely never to be any. But that’s okay, because the windows are open and I’m SO READY TO WRITE THIS POST. Here are a few low-key, festive sartorial selections for those of you who genuinely like Christmas, but aren’t ready to scream that to the world with a sparkly Kmart sweater:

Maxi skirt
It only comes in sizes 0 – toothpick.

Just kidding! You’re going to get some stares with this totally insane, giant green corduroy skirt from seller xiaolizi. Not only will it make you look like an elf, it will make you look like you’re smuggling 10 more elves.

Colorblock scarf
Cheery, without being scary.

This scarf from seller ScarfObsession will go right along with your new green corduroy skirt-apartment. It’s got red and green for Christmas, AND blue for Hanukkah. There’s even a little gold/brown in there, for some other holiday-type holiday that is probably not Kwanzaa.

Temporary tattoos
Rudolph the red-nosed tramp stamp, anyone?

If you want to show your winter spirit in a less-dressed kinda way, try on these woodland creature tattoos from seller whitneyjane. Chances are the entire office will see you naked after that fourth glass of eggnog, so why not give ’em something to look at?

Pearl earrings
Is it a snowflake? An upside-down tree? Whatever; she has pretty lipstick.

Finally, I’m not usually a fan of dangly earrings (let’s just say I overdid it in high school), but these freshwater pearl tree earrings from seller VirginiaGeigerJewels caught my eye. They’re a less conventional version of the thousands of boring silver snowflake bracelets I plowed through to find you, well, these earrings. Do you dress up for the holidays? Because I might just have to try it this year.

BLACK (FASHION) FRIDAY: Buy or Die

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

Has anyone else noticed how insane Black Friday has gotten? The buying frenzy actually starts on Thanksgiving now, creeping up from midnight store openings to 9pm, 8pm and earlier on Thursday.

News flash: you cannot take Thanksgiving, Black Friday. RUDE.

Since I’d rather shop online anyway and never leave my house, here are my favorite Etsy picks from today’s retail-based insanity.

ALSO, Etsy has the added benefit of offering customizable items, so instead of grabbing the last ___ on the shelf, you can give personalized gifts.

Monogram Bar Necklace
Gold for the first-place winner in your life, and other colors for the rest of those losers.

Take, for example, this custom monogram bar necklace from seller makepienotwarCustomize it with a name, date, or both, like the day you realized Black Friday was rull dumb.

Macbook Case
Is it just me, or does it have eyes?

A classy laptop sleeve like this one from seller WillowandCompany is also always a good bet. Appealing, unisex, and you can use code ship4free4me to get free shipping. Whaaaaaat yes.

Baggy Sweater
Knitted from 100% holiday melancholy.

I’m really digging this giant blue sweater from seller kupukupuapparel, which looks like a tent until you realize it has tight “Japanese-style” sleeves. Then it becomes a super-high-fashion tent. Perfect for the loved one whose weight fluctuates uncontrollably!

Custom Tie Clip
If you really did, this would be a diamond, amirite?

Show your love, then hide it away with this customizable tie clip from seller CelebrateToday. It’s made of brushed aluminum, so it won’t tarnish even after your love has rusted to nothingness. I mean…love springs eternal.

Happy shopping!