FASHION FRIDAY: Executive Editor

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

Well hello there!

In honor of the insane amount of work coming my way in recent weeks (notice how you haven’t heard from me?), I’m thinking it’s time for another editor-inspired style post. Here’s what I’m enjoying on Etsy:

Gray Pencil Skirt
You’re fired.

Obviously, the first thing you need is a basic gray wool pencil skirt. I like this one from seller garylindesign. You can tell it’s appropriate for an editor, because “Mother’s Day” is in the title. Even your mom would approve.

Sheer Button Down
NOT a standalone item, just like leggings are still not pants.

Pair your new skirt with a practical–but still pretty–button-down. Try a sheer one, like this one from seller Lootvila, with a camisole underneath. Do you need the camisole? Yes. Why? Because if I can see your bra through your shirt, you are not gaining my confidence.

Coral Cutout Heels
Dwarf your competition.

As an editor, you should tower above everyone else. You’ll need a comfortable pair of heels for this. To show that you are superior, but not inaccessible, try heels in a fun color, like this playful pair from seller KaneliShop.

Geometric Cuff
This was 3D-printed! WHAT.

The final touch is a piece of statement jewelry. Notice how I said “a piece,” not “every single piece you own”. Less is more when it comes to writing–and the same goes for jewelry. Besides, when you slip on something like this amazing 3D-printed cuff from seller ArchetypeZ, no one will be looking at your earrings.

BONUS: Need to go to a fancy event, but still maintain your ice-queen professionality? Check out this gorgeous black wool gown from seller UnsungProductions.

I’ll happily accept gifts of any of the above items (shoe size is 8.5, and as for the rest…well, I’ll tell you in private).

FASHION FRIDAY: Garden Party

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

If you’re super fancy (I’m not), you get invited to things like garden parties. You also have money to buy all new outfits for aforementioned parties. Take my style advice. Soon enough you will be giving me your Southwest Companion Pass and flying me everywhere. Don’t fight it.

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The summeryest ankle roll you ever met.

FIRST. Check out this insane summer heel from seller ChristyNgShoes. Floral peep-toe and heel! WHAT? Does it matter that you couldn’t walk a foot in these, especially on a lawn? Nope, because garden party. Get a man to carry you.

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Crinoline and dainty waist not included.

Pair your ridiculous new floral heels with this simple vintage dress from seller daisyandstella. Its unusual light blue color, with a matching belt and the fact that it’s NOS (new old stock, meaning not soiled with the drippings of a now-ancient wearer) mean that you’ll be the envy of every girl at the ball. I mean garden party.

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Looks like a candy necklace! You’ll break your teeth.

Decorate your clavicle with a summery Indonesian bead-and-brass strand  from seller BohemianFringe, who can be forgiven for his or her terrible shop name because this necklace is pretty.

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To preserve your chinchilla-soft, ladylike hands.

Finally, in the spirit of a true garden party, show off your privileged lifestyle by donning a pair of white lace gloves, like these from seller Tallllll. It’s a simple way to say, “Dishes? Well, I never.”

After this, you should be carted off by a dashing, brawny fellow, your five-inch floral heels never once spiking the lawn. #gardenparty

FASHION FRIDAY: Hangover Chic

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

Last night, I made my stand-up comedy debut. I didn’t buy a single drink; I also woke up this morning feeling like I had been hit by the Jameson train.

I had stuff to get done, though. Wish I’d had this hangover outfit to get me through the day:

It's okay to be catty.
It’s okay to be catty.

The first thing you need when attempting functional-human-being-ness after a long night of carousing: glamorous sunnies, like these cat-eye shades from PenelopeMeatloaf. Both to protect your eyes from the merciless sun, and protect unsuspecting pedestrians from your bloodshot death-glare.

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Jackalopalicious.

You’ll also need a hoodie, because your stomach is gonna hurt, and ain’t nobody got time to suck in your abs when you’re suffering. The printed jackalopes on this lightweight unisex jacket from seller NYhop will distract bystanders from your terrible hangover posture. Is it a rabbit? Is it an antelope? Whatever it is, it’s working.

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The Velcro is good, because you probably don’t remember how to tie shoelaces today.

Assert your superiority even on an off day with a pair of comfortably elevating wedge sneakers, like these from seller LOVELYYYYYYY (seriously? Kill yourself). Wear them with leggings, but remember: leggings are not pants, and if you wear them as pants, you deserve everything you’re going through.

And because today’s probably going to kill you, cut yourself a break: no fourth item. This is all you need. That, and a little hair of the dog.