FASHION FRIDAY: All of the Stripes

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

In honor of my friend, Tory, who suggested I write about stripes today because we are both currently wearing stripes:

Here are some stripes.

Piano Dress?
TOO CHIC; CAN’T HANDLE

In the category of Things I Can’t Afford That Also Happen To Look Like Pianos, I give you this dress by seller iheartfink. It’s so impossibly chic, the seller even named it after Paris. Pretty sure you have to ask the fashion police permission before you put it on.

Urkel Shirt
Get picked out of your next lineup!

New for the Urkel in your life: this vintage shirt graciously offered us by seller ApplePickerVintage. It’s so hip, you can’t wear it into old folks’ homes because they get jealous.

Get it?

Okay, next.

Beach Hat
Doubles as a beach umbrella, backpack, and fruit basket.

Go nuts at the beach with this monogrammable giant striped beach hat from weirdly-named seller GladevilleFarmhouse. You’ll be glad it has your initials on it, when everyone else is wearing the same hat! Just kidding. That won’t ever happen.

80s Striped Knit
Killing it.

The last striped item is less about this striped knit shirt from seller VintageReBelle, and more about the fact that I would like this girl to be my best friend, please. Penetrating scowl? Check. Perfect bangs? Check. Portrait of sassy unicorn in immediate vicinity? Check, check, and check.

If you wear a lot of stripes–or you happen to be my new best friend above–holler at me in the comments!

FASHION FRIDAY: Peachy Keen

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

Hey y’all! It’s been a while since I wrote Fashion Friday. Mea culpa. I’ve been exploring the realm of other topics–any and all other topics.

But today, everyone’s favorite rude Etsy round-up is back…and juicy.

Peach Bow
Let people know you’re a dimwit before you turn around!

We’ll start off simply with this little peach bow from seller myjustpeachyshop (wonder how they came up in search? Hmm). This seller offers a lot of hair bows, all of which are perfect for adding a darling dash of “I don’t know what I’m doing” to your boring workday outfits. Where are those reports? I don’t know; I have a bow in my hair. Who left pudding in the office sink? Wasn’t me! Look, I’m wearing a bow.

Peach Aragonite Necklace
This thing is struggling to break free and kill us all.

Then it gets a little more complicated. This “peach aragonite gold” necklace from seller friedasophie looks like it has developed a life of its own. It will probably cut your throat while you’re wearing it, and I mean really cut it. But it’s so pretty, why not take a chance?

Peach Flats
Dance party! JK, you can’t afford these.

You knew some ballet flats had to make their way in here, and here they are. Seller thewhiteribbon knew exactly what I was coveting, and now I have to resist these suede-to-order shoes. Look how soft they are–like the outside of a peach, or a baby’s face right after it cries.

Peach Sundress
Bridal bitchface.

Last but not least, check out this serious chiffon sundress from seller LYDRESS. You may need to hire someone to stand behind you and hold it off the ground–and also to shield your modesty from curious onlookers, because this dress looks sheer as hell. Anything for fashion.

Are you gearing up for summer with some juicy gear? Let me know.

FASHION FRIDAY: Navy + Black Leather

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

 

Happy Fashion Friday! Today we’re back to color combinations, because according to my eyes, too many of you are woefully ill-advised when it comes to which color goes with which.

Voila: navy blue + black leather. Simple, timeless, and really hard to mess up even if you have detached retinas.

Navy Blue + Black Clutch
Made from 50% blue cow.

Let’s begin with this clutch from seller JillyDesigns. Though I tend to stay away from strapless bags that demand you hold them like a small pet or underweight baby, I’d make an exception for this beauty. Notice how the blue complements the black. If you’re colorblind, send someone the link so they can notice for you.

Silk Panel Party Dress
Sass not included.

Next, I couldn’t resist this silk-paneled party dress from Australian seller ReverieAgain–despite knowing that no matter how dark the fabric color, I will always, always, sweat through silk. It’s like silk knows I am not classy enough to wear it, and turns my body against me.

Blue Resin Ring
Perfect for cocktail parties and breaking faces!

I’m slightly obsessed with this resin ring from seller metalsgirl. There are probably a few other things I would buy with my lottery winnings before dropping $110 on a ring, but you know, a girl can dream. And I definitely saw this ring in my dreams last night.

Leather Statement Necklace
Paint two black dots on your collarbone to complete the smiley face.

If that giant ring isn’t enough of a statement, try on this dominatrix-esque leather necklace from seller SartoJ. You don’t really need any other jewelry with this thing–and if you happen to get hungry, it’s right there to chew on.

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FASHION FRIDAY: Executive Editor

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

Well hello there!

In honor of the insane amount of work coming my way in recent weeks (notice how you haven’t heard from me?), I’m thinking it’s time for another editor-inspired style post. Here’s what I’m enjoying on Etsy:

Gray Pencil Skirt
You’re fired.

Obviously, the first thing you need is a basic gray wool pencil skirt. I like this one from seller garylindesign. You can tell it’s appropriate for an editor, because “Mother’s Day” is in the title. Even your mom would approve.

Sheer Button Down
NOT a standalone item, just like leggings are still not pants.

Pair your new skirt with a practical–but still pretty–button-down. Try a sheer one, like this one from seller Lootvila, with a camisole underneath. Do you need the camisole? Yes. Why? Because if I can see your bra through your shirt, you are not gaining my confidence.

Coral Cutout Heels
Dwarf your competition.

As an editor, you should tower above everyone else. You’ll need a comfortable pair of heels for this. To show that you are superior, but not inaccessible, try heels in a fun color, like this playful pair from seller KaneliShop.

Geometric Cuff
This was 3D-printed! WHAT.

The final touch is a piece of statement jewelry. Notice how I said “a piece,” not “every single piece you own”. Less is more when it comes to writing–and the same goes for jewelry. Besides, when you slip on something like this amazing 3D-printed cuff from seller ArchetypeZ, no one will be looking at your earrings.

BONUS: Need to go to a fancy event, but still maintain your ice-queen professionality? Check out this gorgeous black wool gown from seller UnsungProductions.

I’ll happily accept gifts of any of the above items (shoe size is 8.5, and as for the rest…well, I’ll tell you in private).

FASHION FRIDAY: How to Wear Pink and Green Together (Correctly)

Fashion Friday #fashionfridayLook at me. What I am about to say is very important.

Pink and green do not “go together”. Unlike lemon and stone, teal and coral, or even pink and gold, pink and green were not made to be worn simultaneously. This became painfully clear to me as a pre-teen, when all of my friends were pairing hot pink Abercrombie shorts with lime green American Eagle polos. No, I no longer have those friends.

HOWEVER–should you be on a desert island where the only clothing options are the aforementioned hues–there is one way to wear pink and green together. It all hinges on shade and proportion: namely, which shades of green and pink you choose to pair, and how much of each you wear.

Let’s dive into some color theory:

Emerald Pencil Skirt
Pleats and thank you.

The first thing you want to choose is your primary color. Want to do a lot of pink with a touch of green? Fine. Prefer to mainline some emerald tones with a rose accent here and there? Good. Start with this silky pencil skirt from seller LittleByrdShop, which does not come with a sun-drenched, Instagrammed-all-to-hell backyard.

Beige Top
Ignore the terrifying crotch problem and focus on the shirt.

Next, add a neutral top in a similar fabric–beige is always a good bet, so you look like a garden party come to life. I’m enjoying this basic blouse from seller AryaStyles. You’ll want to tuck it in. Don’t be a schlub.

Rose Scarf
Rich people love things like this!

Since so far it’s all solids, you may wear one (1) pattern with this outfit. I suggest something like this scarf from seller LePetitMonkey, who is way cooler than I will ever be.

Rose Quartz Earrings
Rose before bros.

Top off the whole shebang with some classy earrings in any of the above colors, like this pretty rose quartz pair from seller NaturalGlam. But for the love of all that is sacred and holy, don’t bring blue into this.

FASHION FRIDAY: How to Waste Your Etsy Gift Card

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

Oh, Friday after Christmas. Why must you be so depressing?

The only bright spot in the bleak despair of knowing that Christmas is once again 363 days away is spending your Etsy gift cards. Naturally, we all received these for Christmas.

Bullet earrings
Ear shot.

The first item I recommend spending your hard-earned Etsy cash on: these bullet-casing earrings from seller BallisticRounds. When people say, “What did you get for Christmas?” you can just thumb your earlobes meaningfully, give them a long, hard stare, and growl, “Don’t ask questions.”

Geometric Wallets
Better together.

I’m also a big fan of these two-tone wallets from seller fixfly. Not only will they hold your cards better than a regular wallet, they also have a space for your iPhone, so they’ll be perfect for when I actually get an iPhone.

Boot Socks
Knitted slippers, my foot! Wait…

If you were given a heftier gift card, blow it all on these ridiculously expensive socks/”knitted slippers” from seller ThreeBirdNest. Yeah, they look really comfortable. They’re also $50. Maybe they’re knitted from angel snot.

Cat Dress
Me-owza.

I can’t decide if I really, really need this dress from seller SuiteChic, or if it’s patently ridiculous . You decide. I will just be staring at the picture in the meantime, wondering what happens when you actually move in this dress.

FASHION FRIDAY: Polka Dot Psychosis

For some of us, polka dots are a leery prospect. I personally owned nothing with polka dots on it until this summer, when my well-meaning mom sent me a bright blue scarf spotted with cheery little white circles. I am currently wearing that scarf. WHO AM I?

If you thought the inspiration for Fashion Friday came from divine insight, sorry; it actually came via USPS from Baltimore.

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

WARNING: If you wear all of these items at once, you will spontaneously combust upon looking in the mirror.

Polka Dot Dress
Collard blues.

Let’s start off slow with this Peter Pan-collared dotty dress from seller FleetCollection. It’s sheer enough to be sexy, but not sheer enough that you’d need to charge people to look at you. Unless the bottom part is sheer too, which it looks like it is. In that case, make that money, girl.

Red Hair Bow
It’s a statement piece. The statement is, “I’m six.”

Next we have a classic polka-dotted hair bow from seller myjustpeachyshop–a steal at five bucks. You have to have a lot of hair to pull this one off, though, otherwise you might accidentally channel a desperate, meth-head Minnie Mouse.

Polka Dot Tights
Barbie feet not included.

Should you require some leg coverage, snap on these tights from seller BetweenLoveI’ve heard that polka dot tights can make your legs look fat, but so can ski suits, pizza pants, and jeans stuffed with packing peanuts. I guess what I’m saying is: live a little. And let me know when you’re done with your pizza pants so I can eat them.

Megadot Skirt
Each dot is actually a tiny civilization built of white marble.

Finally, this “mega polka dot” skirt from seller SandeeRoyalty offers a flattering cut with dots so big you could hide coded messages in them. Invite someone to decipher the code and “connect the dots”. Best pickup line ever: you’re welcome.

Like I said, don’t wear all of these together or the world will end. BUT if you do, send me a picture at lianna@theenglishmaven.com.

 

FASHION FRIDAY: In-Betweenies

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

No, that’s not some dumbass name for a swimsuit that can’t figure itself out. This is a post about clothes for those pesky in-between-season days (read: all seasons here in New Orleans).

A few versatile items will keep you cool/warm on days when the weather is seriously just fucking with you. Please note that this is not another post about layers. If you have not figured out how to layer clothing, Darwin will take care of you shortly.

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Expose your fly(ness).

I am a die-hard cardigan fan. I think it runs down the German side of my family. The Germans are such a practical people. Need to keep your torso warm when a cloud passes over the sun? Snatch up this shapeshifting sweater/vest/scarf creature from seller LuciaVerona.

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Oldies but goodies.

Good flats, like these red vintage beauties from seller ANewDayVintage, are essential for in-betweenies. Wear them with shorts on a hot day; slap on some tights when the big meteorologist in the sky decides to make it hail. Sometimes this outfit change can happen in a single day.

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Become a sultry redhead! Or just get the next best thing: this hat.

You know those hipster chicks who wear knit hats on blisteringly sunny days? JOIN THEM. This slouchy woven beanie-thing from seller zukas is your ticket to hot, steamy head. You get it. I know you get it.

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Doubles as a tiny guitar pick.

Show off your versatility with this necklace from seller ThoughtBlossoms, which looks to me like an itty-bitty upside-down delta, or the triangular symbol meaning change. That is literally the only thing I remember from high school chemistry. Good thing I’m a writer (sorry Mom).

What else do you need? Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Layers.

FASHION FRIDAY: Summer Camp

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

It’s that time of year again. Today I pack up the trusty laptop and head into the wilds of Barnesville, Ohio, to shepherd 80 unruly teens and pre-teens through a four-week musical journey.

It’s actually a lot cooler than it sounds. Speaking of cool:

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Great for dosing unruly campers.

Buy me this polyhedron necklace from seller ohBIJOUXpt, and then I will need nothing else for the rest of my days. Seriously, it has a glass vial. I’m imagining this as the vial Juliet used to hold her “poison”. She was super fashionable.

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The moment I put this on, it would be ruined.

Also obsessing over this bow dress from oukymmik. You can’t wear anything nice at camp because the kids and the cows and the mud and the sweat destroy everything, but it’s fun to dream.

Anyway, it’s a short one today! I’m heading to the airport. Catch you next Friday under the hot camp sun! If you need me, you can always get in touch at lianna@theenglishmaven.com.

FASHION FRIDAY: Relax.

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

Guten magen, all mein little lieblings! This week’s Fashion Friday is sponsored by Anxiety Attax. I capitalized that phrase because I am totally starting a band with that name. It’ll be the next big thing; you heard it here first.

No, for real–and I think I’ve said this before–sometimes clothes can make a big difference in calming you down when life pelts you with giant rock-hard lemons. Here are my Etsy picks for ultimate comfort accessories and clothes (benzodiazepines not included):

What’s up, sloth? Oh you know, JUST HANGIN OUT

Seriously slow your roll with this soft jersey scarf from seller ZenThreads, which features the godfather of all “DILLIGAF” animals: the majestic sloth. Recently, I learned that sometimes sloths mistake their own arms for branches, grab at themselves, and fall to their deaths. But they’re not stressing about it, so why should you?

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Going nowhere fast

Next we have socks, from seller GraceandLaceCo. Why socks? Because you wear socks when you don’t have a single obligation. Shoes are for getting stuff done. Socks, on the other hand, are for deliberate shirking-of-duties, or celebration when aforementioned duties are completed. The higher the sock, the more you chill. Time-tested, Lianna-approved. This pair has tassels, allowing your legs to double as cat toys.

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Precipitously adorable.

If you feel like your parade is constantly being rained on, try pinning on this brooch by seller MySelvagedLife. Shaped like a cloud but made of maps, it’s a little reminder that the world is bigger than your current troubles. Clearly it’s working, because these little finds are on pre-order.

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KAPOW

Since you’re presumably still naked after my first three picks, slip on this kickass vintage wrap dress from seller MEMORAREvintage. Its gorgeous blue will lighten your mood, and the red contrast lining makes it impossible not to start constructing your superhero background story. And it’s a wrap dress, so forget about sizing anxiety. I’m actually kind of worried about listing this here because I so badly want to buy it.

I would have written a post about how I really de-stress, but the word “CHOCOLATE” isn’t really a post by itself.

So how do you relax?