You have a problem.

I’m guessing it’s one of these two things:

1. Your copy isn’t converting


2. Your content doesn’t have a voice

Well, how INCREDIBLY ADVANTAGEOUS that you ended up on this page.

Why? Because I, Lianna Patch, Head Puncher + Conversion Copywriter of this fine site and many others, can dropkick that problem right in the chest for you.

Me, dropkicking your copy problem

Me, just utterly destroying your copy problems 

I’m looking for one lucky business owner or marketing director who needs high-converting, kickass copy or content on a regular basis.

Maybe you work in SaaS.

Maybe you work in ecommerce.

Maybe you run a comedy theater or festival.

Maybe you do none of those things, and in fact you aren’t quite sure what the first two are.

But you ARE sure that your copy needs have outpaced your team’s capacity, and now you need to get somebody great on board, STAT.

Could that someone be me?

This page will take us both on a little trip to the intersection of What I Believe Avenue and What You Believe Boulevard, and see if what we want matches up.

It’s my staunch, nigh-religious belief that working with a copywriter should:

1) get you awesome, measurable ROI and

2) be more fun than juggling a handful of newborn kittens

Which is why I’ve put together this dating-show style quiz to find my next retainer client.

Go ahead, play the Punchline Copy Retainer Game!

And since no good dating show is complete without a little self-deprecating humiliation, here’s a little bit about me and what I’M looking for:

Hi, I’m Lianna.

(27, Leo)

I’m a certified* conversion copywriter with a penchant for cats, puns, and avoiding going to the gym until I really can’t anymore.

Lianna Patch Conversion Copywriter

* It’s true, I did it. Here are some of my fancy badges in conversion copywriting, inbound marketing, and content marketing:

And here is a badge I made myself for being great at getting badges:

Lianna Patch Certified Badge Getter

I write copy AND content…

Which means I want to write your websites, landing pages, emails, video scripts, blogs, and ebooks.


Content = words that build a relationship with your potential buyers. Think blogs and ebooks.

Copy = words that drive that buyer to actually buy. Think landing pages, websites, and emails.

Copy and content work together like peanut butter and Nutella to turn your online marketing campaigns into a delicious sandwich, I mean success.

I ALSO help you measure + improve the effectiveness of your copy

so you can get more leads, more conversions, and more $$$.

We’re gonna measure this stuff. We’re gonna track how it’s working. We’re gonna test.

Because testing, iterating, and improving is where the real fun AND the ROI live.

Punchline Conversion Copywriting Will Make Your Copy Like, So Much Better You Won't Even Believe It, Bro

People love graphs that look like this. I know I do!

Right now, I’m looking for my one true love retainer client

I want to build an awesome, mutually beneficial relationship with a killer company that values the same things I do.

The things I love and value happen to include, in a very particular order…

  • Voice of customer researchso we can write things your audience goes nuts for, instead of just guessing + sending them things they “should” like
  • Writing website copy that FEELS like YOU, WORKS for your CUSTOMERS, and actually GETS RESULTS
  • Writing landing pages that lovingly shepherd your skeptical prospects through the Tunnel Of Dark Confusion into the bright, glorious land of Holy Shit Gimme That Now
  • Writing emails unlike anything else your competition is doing, ESPECIALLY if you’re in ecommerce (and yes, you guessed it–making sure these same emails get you trackable ROI)
  • Helping you figure out what’s funny about your brand, what your clients and customers find funny, and putting that humor to work FOR you instead of against you

Lianna Patch Conversion Copywriter Extraordinaire

You know you want to get in on this.

Other things I love, adore + require in a mutually beneficial retainer relationship are:

  • Working with decision-makers – You’re not paying this much to pawn me off on an intern… right?
  • Getting paid on time – Don’t tell my mom, but writing is actually NOT just something I do for fun!
  • Staying laser-focused on goals – I’ve worked with my fair share of distraction-prone “ooh, shiny!” clients. At the end of the day, I like to feel like I DID something.
  • Building trust and mutual respect – Let’s listen to each other, like each other, and make cool stuff together.
  • Cookies – So far no one has sent any, but hey, ask for what you want, right?

Not sure I’m right for you? Watch & read my stuff

The easiest way to describe the style of writing that comes most naturally to me?

Friendly, wacky, absurd…and ruthlessly results-focused.

Here’s how I have fun and get it done:

I’ll cut off a joke at its ankles if it runs the risk of hurting conversions. I will straight-up murder low-converting copy.

And I don’t even hurt caterpillars! Proof: a caterpillar in my garden ate ALL of my sweet peas. I let it live.

If you want to start a seriously advantageous, results-focused copy relationship…

You know where to find me.

Below. Below is where to find me.

Tell me more about you and your quantifiable goals below, and I will reply immediately AND send a radiant herd of free-range unicorns to your home or office!

Tire-kickers, please note: Retainer rates start at $1200/mo for a package of 10 hard-charging hours spent on your most dire copy needs.